"It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less" - George Bernard Shaw

Within this lifestyle you hear it over and over again, negotiations, but really very few people know how to negotiate properly, and even fewer teach others how to do so. Even the active groups rarely touch on negotiations as more than a passing topic, barely touching the depths of the subject.

"Start out with an ideal and end up with a deal." - Karl Albrecht

There are two primary forms of negotiations used within the lifestyle, inclusive and exclusive. Each is used with partners of varying trust levels. With someone you trust completely there is no need to negotiate obviously, you trust them to know what you limits and desires are, assuming you have not trusted too much or too fast.

With someone you trust mostly, but still not completely you can use exclusive negotiations, that is you list the things that are off limits and allow them to do what they like within those limits.

With someone you trust less you would do better to use inclusive negotiations, listing the type of play, level of play and toys that may be used specifically, if it is not listed, it is not allowed.

Safe words would also be specified during negotiations, and what they mean described. Simply saying "red is my safe word" may not be enough, what is to be done when you use your safe word, does it men the scene is over, does it mean what you are doing is not allowed move on to something else?

"Make every bargain clear and plain, that none may afterwards complain" - Proverb

Only a fool gives carte blanch permission when they first play. If you clearly define what is allowable and state that anything outside of that must be discussed before it will be allowed it makes it less likely that you will look back in regret.

5 Dec 2007 11:32:06


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