From the mouth of madness, I spit at thee.

Ever read those psychology lists, you know the kind, if you have 5 of these 10 symptoms you may be suffering from . Well what if you have all of them, is that a sure sign?

For those that know me, I am possibly (undiagnosed) ADHD, bi-polar, chronically depressed, emotionally detached, self-centered, dominant, and an asshole, ok I am pretty sure about the last two...

Which of those I really am, no clue, they are all labels anyway, maybe I am none of them, and all of them, maybe I am something new altogether, I know most times I let people push me by needing help, and it drains me, and I let work run/ruin my life and burn me out.

Socially those who "need" help are drawn to me like moths to a flame and they drain me. At work I take on too much until I am unable to do even basic work from being burned out.

All around me I see how self-centered humanity is, I am lucky to have a few true friends who keep me afloat, often at great personal cost to themselves. I hate to be a burden on people, especially those I know love me.

Wondering if my purpose in life is just to suffer, if I knew my suffering meant less for everyone else it might be easier to take, but I know the universe does not work that way.

All along my life I have observed time and again, when I try to conform, I suffer, when I follow my own path, things go well for me, but others seem to suffer, so what real choice do I have?

I have to learn to recognize the signs early, to cope, to counteract, to set things on a different path, stress leads to a loss of control, which leads to my mind wandering, my temper flaring, my attention to decrease, and that only increases the stress, and eventually it reaches a point of no return, spiraling down into depression.

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." - Henry Ford

14 Sep 2006 21:29:00


No commenting allowed at this time.